WHAT IS SUCCESS?

I remember being in my freshman year at Northwestern University as a music major and the most important thing for me to figure out was where I ranked with the other clarinet players. Over the course of four years we had to play 12 auditions and we were placed in various ensembles based on our success in those auditions. For the majority of my life I've viewed success through the lens of a professional musician. Success meant hitting all the notes, not making any mistakes. After all, that's what got you the top spot in college and what would get you the job after college.

Fast forward from that freshman year almost 21 years (yikes!). I am not a professional musician any longer. I am a mom and a homeschooler who plays and teaches a little on the side and has taken up running in a serious way in the last 3 years. A lot has changed, most importantly, the addition of my faith in Jesus Christ in the middle of my college years. But some mindsets hang on and I've found that even though I'm no longer auditioning as a professional musician, that definition of success has followed me into other areas of my life. I guess it's one of those sins that the author of Hebrews says so easily entangles us. I am entangled often by the need to quantify my performance by a number or another identifiable standard. In parenting it's the obedience of my children when they were toddlers or their performance on a test as teenagers.

In running the obvious standard is the clock and for the most part I've continued to have success after success where the clock is concerned. I've improved in race after race and it's been so fulfilling. But then comes the marathon. The marathon is unlike any race. Anything can happen and does happen no matter what you do in your training. It happens to any level of runner too. Deena Kastor broke her foot at mile 5 in the 2008 Olympic Marathon after winning a medal in 2004. Haile Gebresallasie, the world record holder, injured his knee at mile 16 in the 2010 NYC Marathon and had to drop out.

Yesterday was my second marathon. I told myself that my goals were just to finish and try to figure out how best to fuel and pace myself. But come on now! You know a time goal is always in the back of my mind. I went through about 20 miles feeling amazing. My pace was conservative but strong and after a couple people I was running with had to stop and walk I gradually started getting faster. Everything was going great. I thought I had this fueling thing down considering I was past the point of breakdown from my first marathon. Then I tried to take some fuel. I had choked down a GU energy gel at mile 15 and even though it was hard to swallow it made me feel better in the miles right after taking it. After 20 I decided to switch to Sportbeans. I thought these would be easier to do since they would make my mouth water. I was wrong. My gag reflex was coming on strong and any thought of putting something in my mouth made me think of throwing up. I couldn't even look at the Hammer gels the race volunteers were giving out without getting nauseous. Soon enough I started getting light headed and weaker. Around mile 21 or 22 I started taking walk breaks. I stopped smiling and thanking race volunteers. I started promising myself I'd never do a marathon again. It was getting bad and my pace was really suffering. Around mile 23 someone named Grace caught up with me. I had met her in the 4:30 pace group at the start of the race but we had gotten separated and now both of us were several minutes behind the pace group. She came up to me and started encouraging me to run. "You'll feel bad whether you run or walk so why not run?" It made sense to me so I willed myself to run with her. She started talking and I soon discovered she was a believer. She talked about reading the Bible in a year and about the Old Testament so I decided to tell her about all the memorizing I've been doing lately. I said I've been memorizing a bunch of Scripture and I've gotten through the first five chapters of Hebrews so far. That led me to quote a verse and somehow this verse from Hebrews 4 came out of my mouth - "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses but one who in ever respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin." As soon as I quoted that verse a tingling surge of energy went through my entire body and I immediately felt better. I continued to quote Hebrews 4 into Hebrews 5. I paused and Grace said, "Keep going!" I switched to Colossians 3 and quoted half of that. Then I went back and started at the beginning of Hebrews. It was amazing and unlike anything I've ever experienced. Here we were running the last few miles of this marathon. We were both struggling. My physical tank was past depletion and yet I was running and getting faster. I continued to quote Scripture in a clear and strong voice while we passed other race volunteers and runners. I didn't care who heard me. At about mile 25 1/2 I saw someone from our running group who had driven down with a group to surprise us and support us during the race. That was quite a present. Stephen ran me towards the finish line and once I saw that I burst into a sprint and Grace and I crossed together having finished strong. We gave each other a hug and both said how great it was to have met each other.

My time? 4:36:30. My first marathon was 4:36:58. So where is the success in this? How do I quantify it? Not by a time on the clock for sure. Late in the race before I ran into distress I passed a church and on its sign was this message - "Perseverance will teach you more than success ever will." For me, running the marathon has taught me so much about perseverance and finishing something really hard and really out of your comfort zone. But God has used the marathon to loosen ever more slightly the grip that quantifiable success has had on me. In 2009 I was trying hard to break 1 hour in the 10K and I thought I was going to do it at this race on Memorial Day. I had barely missed the mark by 30 seconds in a previous 10K a couple months back so I was pretty confident I could do this. I was so disappointed when I came across the finish line in a time a minute slower than my previous attempt. I went home from that race utterly crestfallen and I let it bother me for many days later. It's funny how those sins that so easily entangle us follow us into different areas of our lives. Praise God that He's used running to help me see that it's not a time on the clock that defines me anymore than a perfectly played piece of music. It's what He's done not what I've done. All honor to Him.

Many, many thanks go out to the group from CR who drove 3+ hours to surpise us, run with us, support us, cheer us and just love us like the body of Christ should. They were awesome!