SHEPHERDING A CHILD'S HEART a book review

Today is the second installment of a book review Shepherding a Child's Heart by Ted Tripp. Joining with me are Karen and Lis. Today we will review chapters 1 and 2 of the book.

Chapter 1 Getting to the Heart of Behavior

In this chapter Mr. Tripp uncovers the core issue in behavior - the heart. What you see your children do, whether it is good or bad, is a reflection of the orientation of their heart. He quotes Proverbs 4:23 and Luke 6:45 to make this point -

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

"The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks."

Mr. Tripp points out that Scripture teaches, "that behavior is not the basic issue. The basic issue is always what is going on in the heart." When I first read this, it was a revolutionary idea. I thought I just needed to be concerned about right behavior and getting them to obey. Mr. Tripp contends we need to go deeper. "Your child's needs are far more profound than his aberrant behavior...A change in behavior that does not stem from a change in heart is not commendable; it is condemnable." He says that this is what the Pharisees were guilty of - cleaning the outside of the cup. I was not a PK or an MK but I can see how this kind of thing could happen to them. There is such a pressure in those cases to look perfect and always be good. This isn't limited to preachers and missionaries though. I confess that I want my children to behave for selfish and prideful reasons. Either to make me look good or just do what I say so I can get on with my life. Oh Lord, have mercy on me. My children's souls are at stake. The main theme in this chapter is to go deeper with your children to help them see their need for the cross. Mr. Tripp says, "Your concern is to unmask your child's sin, helping him to understand how it reflects a heart that has strayed. That leads to the cross of Christ. It underscores the need for a Savior. It provides opportunities to show the glories of God, who sent His Son to change hearts and free people enslaved to sin."

I wholeheartedly agree with Mr. Tripp when he says that rearing your children in this manner is a vision worthy of sacrifice. I also agree with him when he says that the Bible alone is sufficient for this task. We don't need Oprah, Dr. Phil or the SuperNanny. We don't need to be syncretists - blending the Bible with the most popular, earthly philosophy out there. We need to lead our children to Jesus.


Chapter 2 - Your Child's Development: Shaping Influences

In this chapter, Mr. Tripp explains the influences that affect and shape our children. He also states that the shaping is not automatic, like a robot being programmed to display certain behavior. "The way he responds to these events and circumstances determine the effect they have upon him." So we have the shaping influences and how the child reacts to those influences. Not surprisingly, the family is the biggest shaping influence in a child's life. Mr. Tripp distinguishes six separate family influences:
1. Structure of family life
2. Family values
3. Family roles
4. Family response to failure
5. Family history
6. Family conflict resolution

Most of these are pretty self-explanatory and we all would agree that the way your family was set up and run had a much more profound influence on you than what stuff your parents bought you. There is a grain of truth in what psychology has to say about examining your childhood. But why do I still believe this lie that if only I could buy my children more stuff or provide them with more experiences, vacations, activities then they would be better off? How you interact with your children and the way your family handles things is much more of an influence on them than we think. They absorb attitudes and ways of thinking. They can spot a hypocrite a mile away.

The main point Mr. Tripp makes in this chapter about shaping influences is the way we approach them. He says we can make two mistakes - 1. Thinking that your child is a victim of the influences in his life and 2. Thinking that if you just provide the right shaping influences, your children will turn out just fine. The first one is fatalism and the second is determinism. In the world we see this all the time. Children are aborted because they couldn't possibly have a good life in poor financial circumstances. And on the other side of the tracks, if only we can get Johnny on the best little league team and into the right private school, then he'll be happy and successful and grow up to be a yuppy. (Please try to avoid getting slimed by the sarcasm!) I am guilty of this as well though. When my husband didn't have a job for 15 months, I thought our lack of money would automatically be negative on our children. It didn't turn out that way. They got to see God work in some really amazing ways. And now that my husband has a good paying job, I sometimes get trapped into thinking that my children need this or that activity in order to grow up and be happy. Mr. Tripp unmasks the real issues we need to be concerned about and admits that it's more complex than finding the right formula. "You must do all that God has called you to do but the outcome is more complex than whether you have done the right things in the right way. Your children are responsible for the way they respond to your parenting." (Joseph and his brothers come to mind. Think about how they all had the same family and yet different circumstances and different outcomes. Joseph had the worst circumstances and yet the orientation of his heart was toward God.) Wow. In the end, I believe I need to be praying for my children's hearts a lot more. That they will be moldable and teachable. That they will see that the deepest needs of their souls can only be satisfied at the Fountain of Living Water.

Feel free to comment and discuss. I apologize for my tardiness in getting this post up, at least for those in the Eastern Time Zone. I'm not that late compared to Karen and Lis!

Blessings.