15 YEARS AGO...

the sovereign Lord began drawing me to himself. It began without any realization. Dissatisfaction with myself, my boyfriend and with life began to open my eyes to my sin and the darkness which surrounded me. About four months before I was made new, I started to journal. I wrote about my life as a soon to be sophomore music major at Northwestern University. I had a lot of ambition. I had a lot of goals for myself. But underneath it all I was unsure and very needy. Shortly after beginning to journal, my serious relationship with my boyfriend ended. Things got darker. I was grasping for attention. I needed to feel loved but I was looking in all the wrong places. I've read these old journals before but tonight I could see more clearly than ever the unseen hand guiding me through those days. I was a lost and foolish young woman but God pulled me out of that darkness and into His marvelous light. He brought people into my life who prayed for me and talked to me about Jesus. He opened my eyes to the deeper problem - I was a sinner in desperate need of a Savior.

Fifteen years ago tonight I was at my parents' house during Christmas break. I was in my bedroom and had just finished reading a book by Chuck Swindoll called The Sanctity of Life. For months God had been leading me to this moment. Something like scales fell off my eyes and I could finally see the stark reality of who I was, a sinner, before a holy God. But I could also see my Savior, Jesus, as my Advocate, my Substitute. His invitation was there, right there in that bedroom fifteen years ago. It seemed as if I could almost see Him that night as I fell asleep, finally at peace with God.

Fifteen years later I can get so myopic and forgetful. I think that's why God is always reminding us to remember how He's worked in the past. He knows we'll forget. I'm so grateful for these journals. It humbles me and reminds me of His faithful and sovereign work in my life. It's so tempting for me to trust in my own performance so reading through these journals helps me to see that it's not all about me. The other day I was reading in the psalms and Psalm 57:2 says that God will fulfill His purpose for me. Not my purpose but His purpose.

About a year after I was saved, I wrote an entry in my journal that is a perfect example of how it's all about God and not about me.

November 10, 1992

Almighty God, faithful through the ages. E. told me how M. couldn't stand me when I was a freshman, she thought I was a brat. I can't believe that now she feels just the opposite. She says I've really changed and she could tell this just by seeing me one time in Reg. lounge. Thank you God!! Sometimes I have to really think about how I've changed. I can't believe I've changed that much. It's all God, thank you Jesus.

My soul sings with praise to God tonight. What an unspeakable thought - He justifies the ungodly!