SHEPHERDING A CHILD'S HEART - book review

This, I believe, will be the fifth installment of a review of Ted Tripp's book Shepherding a Child's Heart. Please join Karen, Lis and myself as we discuss this wonderful book on training up our children.

Chapter 7 - Discarding Unbiblical Methods

Last week we talked about goals and what they should be in raising our children. Tripp contends that we should be training our children to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. But how do we go about doing this? What is the method? The next two chapters cover this very question. I'm glad he started with goals and then went on to methodology. I think I've always tended to seek out the right method first. Tripp states in this chapter, "the method is as important as the objectives...here, as in the area of goals, we must identify and reject the non-biblical approaches that vie for our attention. Biblical goals require a biblical approach-only godly methodology will bring glory to God." We may have biblical goals but use unbiblical methods to get there. He always, without shame or excuse, brings the issue back to the Bible. I really appreciate that. He obviously believes that the Bible is sufficient for our task as shepherds.

In this chapter he enumerates and elaborates on a host of unbiblical methods. As I read these I found myself identifying with the ways I try to manipulate my children's behavior unbiblically. See if you can identify with these ---

I Didn't Turn Out So Bad
This is the method which, without reflection, adopts the previous generation's methodology with the excuse that it didn't hurt them.

Pop Psychology
This is a big one. I'm surely guilty of perking up my ears anytime I hear Dr. Dobson or Dr. Phil or Dr. Laura or Dr. so-and-so speaking of using a fool proof method to control or improve your child's behavior. I guess, in the beginning of parenthood I was so caught up in the method; which one would give the best results. Even though I was a Christian, I very often unquestioningly bought into the latest method without really measuring it up to Scripture. Tripp attacks one of the most popular methods out there - bribery and contracts. The deal is you give your child a bribe or make a contract with him/her in order to get the desired behavior. You can't see it but I'm raising my hand at this point. Our oldest gets an allowance but it's conditioned on him getting his chores done for the week. I've caught myself many times trying to motivate him to do his laundry so he will get the money. Tripp says these methods and this motivation is purely superficial and doesn't get to the root, to the heart of what we are really teaching our children. In this method, the heart is being trained to value self-interest above all else. What was eye-opening to me is that whatever method you choose to use, the heart is being trained in something. Ouch!

Behavior Modification
This one struck me as similar to the experiment with Pavlov's dogs. Our children are not animals. They are wonderful human beings created in the image of God with eternal souls. In the past I've liked to think that training a dog is similar to training a child. I now think this is very wrong. After reading Tripp I've been sobered to the reality that everything I do as a parent will shape and mold my children's hearts and affections. Everything I do will paint a picture for them of who God is. I can't imagine that the way I relate to and train a dog would teach the dog how to respond to God. Children are so much more precious and fragile. We are involved in serious, heavenly business here - not just trying to get Fido to walk on the leash and sit when you tell him to. Tripp says that even if your method works, the underlying message that is being learned is not always worthy. If we follow a method of behavior modification we will teach our children to do things for improper motives. What is the motive they should have?
Why should they behave? Because it honors Him. And "He honors those who honor Him (1 Samuel 2:30)." This should be their incentive and the reward they look forward to as a result of their obedience. Talk about antithesis!

Emotionalism
This one saddens me when I see it in myself and others. It makes children feel responsible for making their parents happy. "Oh, I'd be so happy if you ate your broccoli. It really makes me sad when you disobey me. Do you want to make Mommy sad?" Tripp mentions another way emotionalism is used - the hallowed time-out. It's interesting because he doesn't even use the words time-out. He calls it a means of emotional privation. He argues that a time out does nothing to address the heart issues of your child biblically. I don't think he's totally ruling out time-outs but just the kind which never addresses the heart issues and just leaves the child alone. We use time-outs in our family. I think they are effective in some instances. Read this for what I think is a great example of using "time-outs" effectively and biblically.

Punitive Correction
This method has to do with just handing out a punishment without ever addressing the real issue. Tripp highlights the popular use of grounding. One of the points he made was, "grounding is not designed to do something for the child; it is designed to do something against him." This is important I think. Your methods need to center around not just correcting behavior but shepherding the heart as well.

Erratic Eclecticism
This is the approach which just picks and chooses from the methodology buffet. Whatever is popular at the moment will be used. When it stops working, another method is chosen. Not only is the method never measured up to Scripture, but the children are left confused and the parents are continually frustrated.

At the end of the chapter Tripp evaluates all these unbiblical methods. First of all he says that all these methods are superficial and will result in superficial children who never understand what is really driving their behavior. Also, "addressing the child's heart unbiblically plays to the corruption of his heart as an idolater and provides him with functional idols around which to organize his life." Secondly, in using unbiblical methods, you never get to the cross where you as a parent have the holy responsibility and unspeakable privelege of bringing them the gospel message - they are sinners in desperate need of a Savior. We shouldn't just want our children to behave well on the outside. That will only produce good little Pharisees. And we all know what Jesus said to the Pharisees. Only the power of the gospel can truly change our children from the inside out and produce a young man or young woman who trusts in Christ and honors Him in all they do. Finally, by not addressing the deeper issues of your children's hearts, you unknowingly produce distance between yourself and your children. Children see through the manipulation and the expedient methods of controlling their behavior. They will eventually come to resent it. This is sobering.


Embracing Biblical Methods: Communication

The next four chapters begin laying out the two biblical methods Tripp believes should be involved in childrearing - rich, full communication and the rod. He will spend three whole chapters on communication and only one on the rod. He finds these two methods in the book of Proverbs, more specifically Proverbs 23:13-19, 22, 26. He says, "The use of the rod preserves biblically-rooted parental authority... [and] the emphasis on rich communication prohibits cold, tyrannical discipline." God has been showing me lately how I've left out the communication aspect. This means rich dialogue not lecturing. I've always known and believed that the rod should be used. But I think I've gotten confused because I haven't, until recently, been in the practice of weaving that together with rich communication and entreaty; really drawing out my children and addressing the deeper heart issues with them. (A warm thank-you goes out to Ann who I believe helped me understand these deeper heart issues which have been revolutionizing the way I parent even before reading this book. This chapter just resonates even more because of what you have said Ann.) As I read this chapter I realized that the last couple months I've been practicing this kind of rich communication with my oldest son who is 8. It has been so rewarding to step back and help him understand the underlying heart issues of his behavior. This is the son who just got baptized but has possessed faith in Christ for several years. Most of the rewarding times come while we are schooling. Yesterday he wasn't wanting to do his work. Actually this is the one thing we struggle with the most. Instead of getting frustrated or yelling or resorting to some sort of bribe, I was able to engage him in a discussion about biblical diligence. This, I strongly believe, should be our main argument for homeschooling. Last night he wanted to ask me some questions but was afraid he would disrespect me. After assuring him that I wouldn't get mad and he could ask me anything he wanted, he began to describe to me his inner thought life when I tell him to do things he doesn't want to do. It was more than enlightening. When he gets a little boo-boo and I tell him not to make such a big deal about it, he told me he thinks angry thoughts toward me like, "What did you do when you were a child and got a boo-boo?" (said in a sarcastic and disrespectful tone) I was then able to help him realize that everyone has those thoughts and we need to combat them with the truth of God's word, not just think about something else. I was able to continue teaching him that there is battle going on in our minds and the only true and sure weapon is Scripture. I also admitted to him that somtimes I have those thoughts and so he's not alone in this battle. Praise God that He is showing me the deeper struggles of my children and how I can lead them to the Cross - the only sure refuge from sin and death, the only place where power is available by the blood of Christ to be free to glorify and enjoy God forever.

It tells me of a Savior's love,
Who died to set me free;
It tells me of His precious blood,
The sinner's perfect plea.

O, how I love Jesus,
O, how I love Jesus,
O, how I love Jesus -
Because He first loved me!