REVELATIONS

This post is a result of many things the Lord has been teaching me lately about 1) friends 2) being who I am coram Deo 3) pride 4) my husband and how wonderful he is and other things that Valerie at BBG has brought up with her latest post.

As you know I've been struggling with whether I should spend so much time in the blogosphere. I've been tempted to huddle around my like minded friends out here and not invest the same amount of effort and time into flesh and blood friends and family here where I live. Lately, the Lord has been teaching me a whole lot about this. Sorry if this post is not terribly coherent or well thought out. This morning is a great time to write but I don't have time to put all my thoughts together neatly :)

There are several issues that I've been struggling with. One has to do with acquiring new knowledge. Here's what I mean by that. I love to read about theology and be encouraged to grow spiritually by people like RCJR and Carmon and others out here on the web. I get so excited that I sometimes (if not all the time) put those people on pedestals and think that their words are gospel. I then take those new convictions and secretly look upon others in my life with disdain because they don't measure up to my new standards, whatever they may be. This has happened in the realm of homeschooling, modest clothing, working outside the home, etc. The other thing that happens is instead of wisely incorporating new convictions into who I am as Meredith, I kind of become a clone of whoever I've been reading lately. My husband pointed this out to me just last Sunday and it was a revelation. Is there anything truly Meredith, or am I just a clone of whoever I've been reading lately?

This struggle meshed with another over last weekend. I went to our church's women's retreat at a really nice hotel and resort, Chateau Elan. This was the eighth time I've been on this women's retreat and it's always so nice to get away. It's grown bigger every year and this year we moved the location again in order to accomodate over 700 women. I drove up with four other women in the car, three of whom were my roommates. Of these three women I would say that two of them are pretty close. These two are women with whom I'd like to spend more time. One sends her kids to a homeschool school and the other one is planning to take her kids out of public school and start homeschooling next year. She and I play clarinet together in the church orchestra. Both of these women have two children a piece so they are not of the no birth control mindset. I say these things just to set the stage of what was going on with me this weekend. Every time I go on these retreats I struggle with pride. I look at other women there, especially ones who are dressed really trendy and look all put together, and immediately make judgments about them. I secretly assume in my flesh that since these women look wordly and send their kids to public school and use birth control that God could not possibly work in their lives. I was so disgusted with this attitude of mine that I stayed behind in my room during one of the breakout sessions and cried and prayed about it with the Lord. (I also took a bath, because I had a terrible cold :) I cried out to God to break me of my pride. I also was praying and lamenting to God about my lack of a really close friend. Later on in the large group session I was really convicted by how three women had given their testimonies and they didn't share the exact same convictions with me and they had very different backgrounds and made different choices but God had worked and was continuing to work mighty things in their lives. Then the main speaker, Lisa Harper, who is amazing by the way, told a story about a friend of hers, Kim Hill. This is Kim Hill the singer from Nashville. Lisa is very close with her and her family because she is single. Kim's dad recently died of cancer and she told the story of how he died and how she had to take Kim's kids to see their grand dad until Kim could get there from a singing job. Lisa mentioned as an aside about how Kim was no longer married or something. Anyway, the story was so sweet and heartwrenching about how Kim's dad was dying and the family was "singing him home to Jesus". Then in the wee hours of the night Kim's oldest son (about 11 years old) comes in and starts singing with the others and telling his grandfather that it was OK to go home to Jesus now. Needless to say, we were all in tears. But one thing bothered me. When Lisa mentioned how Kim was no longer married I started thinking things in my head like, "I didn't know Kim Hill was divorced. Gee, I wonder if it was a biblical divorce, etc., etc." Little judgments like that popped up in my head and I tried to sweep them away. God worked a tremendous thing in this family and all I could do was think about whether Kim Hill had a biblical divorce or not!!! Lisa didn't even say that Kim was divorced or anything. Maybe her husband died, I don't know. The point is that I had been so wrapped up with my convictions about the Christian life that I didn't think God could work in lives that didn't look the same as mine. I would have never said that out loud but inside, in my flesh, I think I believed it.

Then I had a major conversation with another friend and she shared something very serious with me that blew me away. I won't go into detail because I don't want to break a confidence. But I can say that that conversation made me think a lot about how we really don't know what people are going through and it's very easy to make quick assumptions and think that you shouldn't be friends with someone and God isn't working in their lives. WAKE UP MEREDITH! I said to myself. Don't limit God. He is working in many people's lives, just not according to your purposes, but according to His purposes and His timing.

Valerie has been writing on her blog about how she and her family have been struggling with whether to move or not. I guess my response would be this: don't give up on where God has you right now. Don't dismiss friends or family that may not be where you are spiritually right now but God is working in their lives and you can be a part of it by investing yourselves in them. I'm not saying that those at the HSC are wrong for moving and gathering around people with like convictions. I'm saying that, in terms of my life, Satan and my flesh have taken advantage of certain convictions I have and used them to make me be discontent where I am and secretly disdain the people in the body of Christ around me. Other people may or may not struggle with this. Maybe I'm over analyzing the whole situation. I do tend to do that, as my sweet dh pointed out to me last weekend.

One of the last revelations was so sweet and it happened during the Superbowl. I was preparing some food for my family and I to share while we watched. I was really tired and really emotional and something my dh said just made me cry and start to argue with him. Well our children were around and I think my oldest got a little scared because mommy looked a little out of control. Well, we just laughed it off and apologized and spoke some sweet words to our son and everything was better. Then I felt like God was saying to me, "I am big enough and powerful enough to work even in spite of your mistakes as a parent. Stop trying to be perfect and trust me!!" I also felt like he was saying this about my dh. Anyway, later after the kids were in bed, my dh and I were cleaning up while the game was still going and I told about what I felt God was teaching me earlier. I spilled my guts and then asked him what he thought. He took a while to answer and I thought he just didn't get it or didn't care. But then, he hit me with the most convicting, sanctifying, wise words that my love for him just shot up like a rocket! WAKE UP MEREDITH! you have a great husband here and why do you go to other men on the web for spiritual wisdom and growth (i.e. RCJR, Doug Wilson, Doug Philips) when you have such a gem here! I told him that and how I was so sorry that I was hindering him from leading me. You see, I've had some secret disdain that he was not as spiritually up to par as I was but it was partly my fault that he and I haven't been on the same spiritual wavelength. I've been going elsewhere for my food instead of going to him.

The last thing I've been learning and will continue to learn is how much God loves me. I know that sounds like, DUH! but I struggle with knowing God accepts me and loves me right where I am even when I make mistakes. I fear that this part of me is being replayed in my older son who hates to make mistakes. So I'll write more about that later but for right now, if you can get your hands on a tape from Ligonier that features Sinclair Ferguson talking about Romans 8 at a Ligonier conference in Texas please try to get it. It is priceless and every time I listen to it God cements in my spirit that I really am His, forever.

Blessings to you all. Feel free to comment by clicking on my name below the post.