15 YEARS AGO...
the sovereign Lord began drawing me to himself. It began without any realization. Dissatisfaction with myself, my boyfriend and with life began to open my eyes to my sin and the darkness which surrounded me. About four months before I was made new, I started to journal. I wrote about my life as a soon to be sophomore music major at Northwestern University. I had a lot of ambition. I had a lot of goals for myself. But underneath it all I was unsure and very needy. Shortly after beginning to journal, my serious relationship with my boyfriend ended. Things got darker. I was grasping for attention. I needed to feel loved but I was looking in all the wrong places. I've read these old journals before but tonight I could see more clearly than ever the unseen hand guiding me through those days. I was a lost and foolish young woman but God pulled me out of that darkness and into His marvelous light. He brought people into my life who prayed for me and talked to me about Jesus. He opened my eyes to the deeper problem - I was a sinner in desperate need of a Savior.
Fifteen years ago tonight I was at my parents' house during Christmas break. I was in my bedroom and had just finished reading a book by Chuck Swindoll called The Sanctity of Life. For months God had been leading me to this moment. Something like scales fell off my eyes and I could finally see the stark reality of who I was, a sinner, before a holy God. But I could also see my Savior, Jesus, as my Advocate, my Substitute. His invitation was there, right there in that bedroom fifteen years ago. It seemed as if I could almost see Him that night as I fell asleep, finally at peace with God.
Fifteen years later I can get so myopic and forgetful. I think that's why God is always reminding us to remember how He's worked in the past. He knows we'll forget. I'm so grateful for these journals. It humbles me and reminds me of His faithful and sovereign work in my life. It's so tempting for me to trust in my own performance so reading through these journals helps me to see that it's not all about me. The other day I was reading in the psalms and Psalm 57:2 says that God will fulfill His purpose for me. Not my purpose but His purpose.
About a year after I was saved, I wrote an entry in my journal that is a perfect example of how it's all about God and not about me.
November 10, 1992
Almighty God, faithful through the ages. E. told me how M. couldn't stand me when I was a freshman, she thought I was a brat. I can't believe that now she feels just the opposite. She says I've really changed and she could tell this just by seeing me one time in Reg. lounge. Thank you God!! Sometimes I have to really think about how I've changed. I can't believe I've changed that much. It's all God, thank you Jesus.
My soul sings with praise to God tonight. What an unspeakable thought - He justifies the ungodly!
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Friday, December 22, 2006
OUR GRACIOUS KING
God recently used a message by John MacArthur to work conviction in my spirit about something. I'm still working through it with the Lord, and I'm sure it will be a lifelong fight of faith and humility. I guess I could summarize the issue with this question - "How can God use me and my family for ______ (insert any high and lofty goal) if we're not doing the things I think we should be doing to get us there?" Inherent in that statement is a feeling of responsibility for the outcome of my life, and my family's lives. I know what it should look like and I know how to get there. But the Lord has been graciously revealing to me how idolatrous that whole attitude is.
There are so many good things out there to do, and sometimes I feel we have to do it all in order to be OK. If we don't supply our part of the equation God cannot produce the kind of godly family I want, right? A certain level of performance is required to get the grade, right? It's startling when God really opens my eyes to the lies I've been believing.
The message by MacArthur had to do with the genealogy of Jesus. Who was in this genealogy? The Jews put a lot of stock in genealogies. A good pedigree was very important. So who specifically did God choose for Jesus' pedigree? Let's focus first on the women included in the genealogy. The four women in the genealogy can be categorized as follows ~ two harlots, an adulteress and one born out of incest. Tamar and Rahab were the harlots, Bathsheba was the adulteress and Ruth, who was a godly woman, was none the less a Moabite. The Moabites were not only Gentiles but they were a race born of incest (see the story of Lot and his daughters at the end of Genesis 19). Some of the men included in the genealogy were guilty of lying, adultery and murder ~ Abraham, Solomon and David to be specific. Here's the point ~
The Sinless One was born into a genealogy of sinners. This is grace.
It is idolatrous for me to think that I have control over the outcome of my genealogy. The Lord's sovereignty is over all generations, events and outcomes. Recently, He has been reminding me of how little I know and how little I can control. His thoughts are way above mine, and His purposes stretch from everlasting to everlasting. He is a redeeming God, a God of infinite grace. How could a godly woman such as Ruth, the grandmother of David, come from the incestuous relationship of Lot and his daughters? Grace. How could a godly man such as Boaz come from the harlotry of Tamar with Judah? Grace. How could a God fearing king such as Josiah come from the adultery of David and Bathsheba? Grace. How could God bring His Son into this world polluted by sin and suffering? Grace.
Can God use our family for His holy purposes and for His glory? Yes...but only by His grace, not my effort.
I think one of my goals for the new year will be to simplify and prioritize. The goal is not to copy other families, or worry about what we're not doing. My purpose is to love God, submit to His ways, and serve my family in humility, entrusting the outcome to His sovereign grace. This word picture has almost become cliche but it's still true and very effective. My life and my family are only a tiny thread in the tapestry of God's plan for history. As it says in Romans 9, God has the right to make one vessel for noble purposes and one for common use. It is enough that I belong to Him and that He has promised to work all things together for my good.
God recently used a message by John MacArthur to work conviction in my spirit about something. I'm still working through it with the Lord, and I'm sure it will be a lifelong fight of faith and humility. I guess I could summarize the issue with this question - "How can God use me and my family for ______ (insert any high and lofty goal) if we're not doing the things I think we should be doing to get us there?" Inherent in that statement is a feeling of responsibility for the outcome of my life, and my family's lives. I know what it should look like and I know how to get there. But the Lord has been graciously revealing to me how idolatrous that whole attitude is.
There are so many good things out there to do, and sometimes I feel we have to do it all in order to be OK. If we don't supply our part of the equation God cannot produce the kind of godly family I want, right? A certain level of performance is required to get the grade, right? It's startling when God really opens my eyes to the lies I've been believing.
The message by MacArthur had to do with the genealogy of Jesus. Who was in this genealogy? The Jews put a lot of stock in genealogies. A good pedigree was very important. So who specifically did God choose for Jesus' pedigree? Let's focus first on the women included in the genealogy. The four women in the genealogy can be categorized as follows ~ two harlots, an adulteress and one born out of incest. Tamar and Rahab were the harlots, Bathsheba was the adulteress and Ruth, who was a godly woman, was none the less a Moabite. The Moabites were not only Gentiles but they were a race born of incest (see the story of Lot and his daughters at the end of Genesis 19). Some of the men included in the genealogy were guilty of lying, adultery and murder ~ Abraham, Solomon and David to be specific. Here's the point ~
The Sinless One was born into a genealogy of sinners. This is grace.
It is idolatrous for me to think that I have control over the outcome of my genealogy. The Lord's sovereignty is over all generations, events and outcomes. Recently, He has been reminding me of how little I know and how little I can control. His thoughts are way above mine, and His purposes stretch from everlasting to everlasting. He is a redeeming God, a God of infinite grace. How could a godly woman such as Ruth, the grandmother of David, come from the incestuous relationship of Lot and his daughters? Grace. How could a godly man such as Boaz come from the harlotry of Tamar with Judah? Grace. How could a God fearing king such as Josiah come from the adultery of David and Bathsheba? Grace. How could God bring His Son into this world polluted by sin and suffering? Grace.
Can God use our family for His holy purposes and for His glory? Yes...but only by His grace, not my effort.
I think one of my goals for the new year will be to simplify and prioritize. The goal is not to copy other families, or worry about what we're not doing. My purpose is to love God, submit to His ways, and serve my family in humility, entrusting the outcome to His sovereign grace. This word picture has almost become cliche but it's still true and very effective. My life and my family are only a tiny thread in the tapestry of God's plan for history. As it says in Romans 9, God has the right to make one vessel for noble purposes and one for common use. It is enough that I belong to Him and that He has promised to work all things together for my good.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
ONE THOUSAND GIFTS
I can't tell you how many times my online friend Ann Voskamp has blessed me through her writing. I probably should say that God has blessed me through the gift He has given her. She is a regular columnist here and has recently issued a challenge to start a gift list, a very different gift list. In this challenge, we are supposed to start a running list of the gifts God has given us, sort of a gratitude list. I know this is nothing new, but the goal of this list is to direct us back to our heavenly Father who is the author of all good gifts. I can't think of the exact quote and I'm not exactly sure who wrote it (I think C.S. Lewis) but the idea the author was trying to express was using the gifts we've been given to direct our attention back to the giver. The picture painted was one of following a sunbeam back up to the sun. I think it's from Lewis' "Meditations in a Toolshed" and I'll try to find the quote in the next few days.
Anyway, click on over here to read about the challenge and maybe consider doing it yourself. Almost 100 people have added their blogs to the list of those taking up the challenge. This morning, as I was starting to think of this, several gifts came to mind ~
the look in my dog's eyes - unconditional, trusting. Thank You Father for creating animals for us to enjoy their companionship.
my daughter's laughter - Thank you Father for the ring in her sweet voice which will not be there in the same way years from now.
That's two out of one thousand. I predict my attitude will be changing soon and, by God's grace, my heart will be enlarged to take in all the splendor around me. May I turn around and lift up the cup of thanksgiving in response to a gracious Father.
I can't tell you how many times my online friend Ann Voskamp has blessed me through her writing. I probably should say that God has blessed me through the gift He has given her. She is a regular columnist here and has recently issued a challenge to start a gift list, a very different gift list. In this challenge, we are supposed to start a running list of the gifts God has given us, sort of a gratitude list. I know this is nothing new, but the goal of this list is to direct us back to our heavenly Father who is the author of all good gifts. I can't think of the exact quote and I'm not exactly sure who wrote it (I think C.S. Lewis) but the idea the author was trying to express was using the gifts we've been given to direct our attention back to the giver. The picture painted was one of following a sunbeam back up to the sun. I think it's from Lewis' "Meditations in a Toolshed" and I'll try to find the quote in the next few days.
Anyway, click on over here to read about the challenge and maybe consider doing it yourself. Almost 100 people have added their blogs to the list of those taking up the challenge. This morning, as I was starting to think of this, several gifts came to mind ~
the look in my dog's eyes - unconditional, trusting. Thank You Father for creating animals for us to enjoy their companionship.
my daughter's laughter - Thank you Father for the ring in her sweet voice which will not be there in the same way years from now.
That's two out of one thousand. I predict my attitude will be changing soon and, by God's grace, my heart will be enlarged to take in all the splendor around me. May I turn around and lift up the cup of thanksgiving in response to a gracious Father.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
RESOLUTIONS PT. 3
Here's another set of resolutions I've made for myself ~
Resolved - to have an audacious faith that measures up to and is worthy of the splendor and power of His majesty and holiness.
I wish I could remember who said this because it didn't come from me. I know it came from someone who was a guest preacher at our church, but I can't remember his name. I do remember the impact he made though. There are certain preachers who just lift your eyes up off yourself and onto the majesty and glory of God. This guy did just that. I don't want my faith to be measured by my circumstances. I want it to live up to all that God is and has promised to be.
Resolved - that when I feel dry and ineffective to entrust my soul to my Father, the One who prunes and cleanses the branches and to Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith. When darkness veils His lovely face I am resolved to rest in full assurance of all that God is for me in Christ.
My default mode is to slip into self pity and despondency. I need to actively fight against this by faith.
Resolved - to always respond to my husband with mercy, charity and respect.
No, I don't always do this but it is my goal. Elisabeth Elliot once said that we marry sinners and so do our husbands.
Resolved - to entrust my husband and my marriage to God, knowing that His ways and His thoughts are higher than mine, always trusting in His goodness and wisdom and reminding myself that the goal of marriage is not my personal happiness and comfort but holiness.
God created marriage to be a picture of Christ's relationship with the church. There will be no marriage in heaven because then the picture will have its fulfillment at the wedding feast of the Lamb and His bride, the Church. So ultimately, marriage isn't designed to fulfill all my personal needs. Don't get me wrong - marriage is a gift from God and we enjoy many blessings from it, but there's a higher goal and that's to reflect Christ's relationship with His church.
PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS
Yesterday I was transfixed by a sermon given by John Piper on Romans 7. Please listen to this. It changed my perspective on a lot of things. He's talking about knowing our sin. He doesn't mean being able to list what sins we struggle with. He's talking about being acquainted with the corrupting power and influence of our depravity. This is the path to treasuring Christ, clinging passionately to the cross, and seeing Him as the most precious thing in all the world.
Here's another set of resolutions I've made for myself ~
Resolved - to have an audacious faith that measures up to and is worthy of the splendor and power of His majesty and holiness.
I wish I could remember who said this because it didn't come from me. I know it came from someone who was a guest preacher at our church, but I can't remember his name. I do remember the impact he made though. There are certain preachers who just lift your eyes up off yourself and onto the majesty and glory of God. This guy did just that. I don't want my faith to be measured by my circumstances. I want it to live up to all that God is and has promised to be.
Resolved - that when I feel dry and ineffective to entrust my soul to my Father, the One who prunes and cleanses the branches and to Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith. When darkness veils His lovely face I am resolved to rest in full assurance of all that God is for me in Christ.
My default mode is to slip into self pity and despondency. I need to actively fight against this by faith.
Resolved - to always respond to my husband with mercy, charity and respect.
No, I don't always do this but it is my goal. Elisabeth Elliot once said that we marry sinners and so do our husbands.
Resolved - to entrust my husband and my marriage to God, knowing that His ways and His thoughts are higher than mine, always trusting in His goodness and wisdom and reminding myself that the goal of marriage is not my personal happiness and comfort but holiness.
God created marriage to be a picture of Christ's relationship with the church. There will be no marriage in heaven because then the picture will have its fulfillment at the wedding feast of the Lamb and His bride, the Church. So ultimately, marriage isn't designed to fulfill all my personal needs. Don't get me wrong - marriage is a gift from God and we enjoy many blessings from it, but there's a higher goal and that's to reflect Christ's relationship with His church.
PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS
Yesterday I was transfixed by a sermon given by John Piper on Romans 7. Please listen to this. It changed my perspective on a lot of things. He's talking about knowing our sin. He doesn't mean being able to list what sins we struggle with. He's talking about being acquainted with the corrupting power and influence of our depravity. This is the path to treasuring Christ, clinging passionately to the cross, and seeing Him as the most precious thing in all the world.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
WHERE HAVE I BEEN?
This post is dedicated to my friend Denise who is one of my only "real life" friends who reads my blog. (The other one's my mom :) It's nice to have a friend who can walk up to you and comment on what you've just written and it also keeps you accountable when they come up to you and complain about how long it's been since you've written anything. So Denise, this one's for you. I hope you enjoy.
WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING
Well, half of November was spent being sick. Every child took a turn getting some sort of upper respiratory virus which, as always, turned into wheezing and having to be on the nebulizer for a few days. Then I kept coming down with certain things which didn't totally wipe me out but just made me feel like crawling under the covers and sleeping the day away. I had concerts with the Cobb Symphony where we performed a really interesting contemporary composition called Blue Cathedral by Jennifer Higdon. It's been a long time since I've performed something contemporary that I actually liked. You can purchase a recording of it here. Then came Thanksgiving, which featured a visit from my parents. My mom helped with the turkey, which turned out great, and the next day my husband, father and eldest son went golfing while the rest of us went to the Atlanta Botanical Garden. After Thanksgiving I soon realized that all the time spent sick in November had severely hampered my ability to do any planning for the Christmas season. As a result, I've felt like I've been playing catch up for weeks, which is not fun. I really need to start planning earlier next year because every year, without fail, the majority of the Christmas events happen the first two weekends after Thanksgiving. The first two weekends of December will feature six concerts and three parties for our family. And I dare not forget the most important event of the first two weeks of December - my eldest son's birthday! He's ten today!!! I'll have to post pictures later. There's another thing I'm behind on. Needless to say, I've been more stressed than usual and have been clinging to a favorite verse in Isaiah 50 - "But the Lord God helps me, therefore I have not been disgraced; therefore I have set my face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be put to shame."
WHAT I'VE BEEN READING
If my friend Cindy happens upon this post, she'll be gratified to know that I am almost through all 13 of the Lemony Snicket books, A Series of Unfortunate Events. My eldest and I have been reading through them together, at one point finishing one book a day until they kept getting longer and longer. My son is already done and I've been lagging behind because of another book I got caught up in ------ Gone With the Wind. This is the first time I've attempted to read this book and I wasn't sure I would finish it when I checked it out from the library, but......I have loved this book despite all the stereotypical baggage it has acquired over the years because of the movie and everything else. Actually, that was one of the reasons why I wasn't going to read it. I thought it wasn't going to be that good. On the contrary, critics have hailed this book as the best writing to ever come out of the South, and one of the best in all American fiction. I could not put this book down, and if you don't know it has over 1000 pages. I was fascinated by all the history Margaret Mitchell included, especially the history of Reconstruction. I'm not sure though how accurate her version of history is. I'm assuming it's pretty accurate. If anyone out there can give me another opinion I would really appreciate it.
WHAT I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT
Lately, I've been thinking about how much I need to get away for some sort of spiritual "retreat". I have been really yearning for extended periods of silence to really think, pray and write down what's been going on inside and underneath all the activity. My husband received an ipod as a reward for a project he did at work, and I've been learning how to podcast. It has been so wonderful listening to John Piper's messages everyday. I have also been podcasting John MacArthur, Nancy Leigh DeMoss and Albert Mohler. Piper has been going through Romans 6 and it has been a literal feast for my soul. Some thoughts I've written down include - "prize, treasure, delight in my union with Christ," "the evidence of whether God is on the throne of your life and not sin is whether you make war not whether you always win the battles," "we are not married to a set of rules but to a person," and "Jesus, as our husband, is power from within not pressure from without." There's a lot here to write about and I intend to very soon. I appreciate all of you out there who read my little blog and I really do treasure the opportunities to converse with you about these things.
ONE LAST THING
I could use some advice about how to get rid of fleas. We've been dealing with this for several months and I just keep losing the battle. I have a good idea about how to get the fleas off the dog, using a combination of K9 Advantix or Frontline and Capstar pills, but I really need some tips about how to keep them from coming back. How do I get them out of my house so they won't come back? Any ideas are greatly appreciated. Thanks.
This post is dedicated to my friend Denise who is one of my only "real life" friends who reads my blog. (The other one's my mom :) It's nice to have a friend who can walk up to you and comment on what you've just written and it also keeps you accountable when they come up to you and complain about how long it's been since you've written anything. So Denise, this one's for you. I hope you enjoy.
WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING
Well, half of November was spent being sick. Every child took a turn getting some sort of upper respiratory virus which, as always, turned into wheezing and having to be on the nebulizer for a few days. Then I kept coming down with certain things which didn't totally wipe me out but just made me feel like crawling under the covers and sleeping the day away. I had concerts with the Cobb Symphony where we performed a really interesting contemporary composition called Blue Cathedral by Jennifer Higdon. It's been a long time since I've performed something contemporary that I actually liked. You can purchase a recording of it here. Then came Thanksgiving, which featured a visit from my parents. My mom helped with the turkey, which turned out great, and the next day my husband, father and eldest son went golfing while the rest of us went to the Atlanta Botanical Garden. After Thanksgiving I soon realized that all the time spent sick in November had severely hampered my ability to do any planning for the Christmas season. As a result, I've felt like I've been playing catch up for weeks, which is not fun. I really need to start planning earlier next year because every year, without fail, the majority of the Christmas events happen the first two weekends after Thanksgiving. The first two weekends of December will feature six concerts and three parties for our family. And I dare not forget the most important event of the first two weeks of December - my eldest son's birthday! He's ten today!!! I'll have to post pictures later. There's another thing I'm behind on. Needless to say, I've been more stressed than usual and have been clinging to a favorite verse in Isaiah 50 - "But the Lord God helps me, therefore I have not been disgraced; therefore I have set my face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be put to shame."
WHAT I'VE BEEN READING
If my friend Cindy happens upon this post, she'll be gratified to know that I am almost through all 13 of the Lemony Snicket books, A Series of Unfortunate Events. My eldest and I have been reading through them together, at one point finishing one book a day until they kept getting longer and longer. My son is already done and I've been lagging behind because of another book I got caught up in ------ Gone With the Wind. This is the first time I've attempted to read this book and I wasn't sure I would finish it when I checked it out from the library, but......I have loved this book despite all the stereotypical baggage it has acquired over the years because of the movie and everything else. Actually, that was one of the reasons why I wasn't going to read it. I thought it wasn't going to be that good. On the contrary, critics have hailed this book as the best writing to ever come out of the South, and one of the best in all American fiction. I could not put this book down, and if you don't know it has over 1000 pages. I was fascinated by all the history Margaret Mitchell included, especially the history of Reconstruction. I'm not sure though how accurate her version of history is. I'm assuming it's pretty accurate. If anyone out there can give me another opinion I would really appreciate it.
WHAT I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT
Lately, I've been thinking about how much I need to get away for some sort of spiritual "retreat". I have been really yearning for extended periods of silence to really think, pray and write down what's been going on inside and underneath all the activity. My husband received an ipod as a reward for a project he did at work, and I've been learning how to podcast. It has been so wonderful listening to John Piper's messages everyday. I have also been podcasting John MacArthur, Nancy Leigh DeMoss and Albert Mohler. Piper has been going through Romans 6 and it has been a literal feast for my soul. Some thoughts I've written down include - "prize, treasure, delight in my union with Christ," "the evidence of whether God is on the throne of your life and not sin is whether you make war not whether you always win the battles," "we are not married to a set of rules but to a person," and "Jesus, as our husband, is power from within not pressure from without." There's a lot here to write about and I intend to very soon. I appreciate all of you out there who read my little blog and I really do treasure the opportunities to converse with you about these things.
ONE LAST THING
I could use some advice about how to get rid of fleas. We've been dealing with this for several months and I just keep losing the battle. I have a good idea about how to get the fleas off the dog, using a combination of K9 Advantix or Frontline and Capstar pills, but I really need some tips about how to keep them from coming back. How do I get them out of my house so they won't come back? Any ideas are greatly appreciated. Thanks.
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